Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and CNN contributor on sex and relationships. His most recent book is a guide for couples, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”
Nearly every day I meet couples in long-term relationships who lament about missing the early days of great sex — when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, when sex was new and exciting, bold and bawdy.
“What happened?” they ask each other and me. “How do we start having great sex again?”
For some, the search for “great” sex is a reason to cheat, open up a marriage or even divorce. But before taking any drastic steps in the pursuit of great sex, I always implore couples to reframe their “sexpectations” and go for “good-enough sex” instead.
This term, which sex therapists Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy originally coined, encourages couples to pursue positive, realistic meaning in their intimate lives. In other words, just because you can’t go back to the early days of hot and heavy doesn’t mean you can’t have a Sex Life 2.0 that’s just as good as, if not better than, Version 1.0.
“Good-enough sex is often mischaracterized as ’settling’ or as having sex that’s merely adequate or mediocre,” said my colleague Dr. Justin Lehmiller, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. “But good-enough sex is sex that is pleasurable and satisfying without the expectation or demand that it’s going to be perfect every time — because sex is rarely perfect. It’s a way of approaching sex with realistic expectations.”
Life as a couple is filled with enough stressors, so sex shouldn’t be an additional source of pressure. New York-based sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll adds that some often “have the wrong idea about what makes sex great.” “They end up striving for this idea of great sex rather than getting pleasure out of the sex that’s right in front of them,” Sokoll said. “We often need to unlearn what we have taken in from the movies and porn and instead embrace and enjoy what real sex looks like.”
Here’s what else you should know about good-enough sex:
Predictable sex can be the best sex. Why? You’re more comfortable, relaxed and able to enjoy yourself. One way to keep things predictable? Add sex to your calendar.
“We know that the many benefits of a healthy sex life — greater personal satisfaction, greater relationship satisfaction, and a stronger sense of life holding more meaning — begin when couples have sex once a week,” said Eva Dillon, a New York-based sex therapist who encourages the couples she works with to schedule sex at least weekly, ideally twice.
Scheduling sex doesn’t make it less sexy, though — it makes it more likely to happen.
“Just like we plan time for what matters most, prioritizing intimacy in your calendar helps prevent it from falling to the bottom of your to-do list. Anticipation can also build excitement,” pointed out Dr. Rachel Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in Florida.
Small acts of affection, such as holding hands, checking in with each other emotionally or sharing a laugh nurture the overall connection that fuels sexual desire, Needle told me. She suggested encouraging intimacy and relaxation during your scheduled rendezvous by decluttering your bedroom, lighting a candle, playing soft music, and checking in with yourself about how you’re feeling.
Communication is key, and not just during your fun time. Great communication is important with your partner before, during and after sex.
“Communicate in advance about your wants and needs, communicate during about what feels good and what doesn’t,” Lehmiller said, “and communicate after about what you enjoyed and want more of next time.”
You can also try putting a fun spin on sex talk by creating “sexy time menus” and putting anything on them that would bring you and your partner fulfillment and pleasure, advised Los Angeles-based psychologist Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh. You can then pick and choose from the menu, knowing that no matter what you do, you will walk away from the experience fulfilled.
Good-enough sex involves the brain, not just the body
It’s true: The brain really is our biggest sex organ — and foreplay starts in the mind. Share a fantasy with your partner, read erotica to each other, watch some ethical porn together — you get the idea.
“Couples who have good-enough sex use their imaginations to fantasize and otherwise maintain an erotic perspective during sex,” Sokoll said. “They learn to eroticize the moment, their partner, and themselves, so they can shift into an erotic state.”
“The single biggest complaint older adults have about their sex lives is that ‘the old ways don’t work anymore,’” Lehmiller said. “What’s pleasurable and possible shifts over time — but that doesn’t mean sex has to become any less good.”
It doesn’t mean you have to settle. Rather than continuing to approach sex the same way you did when you were younger, start adapting sex to where you are in life. If you’re creative, willing and open to exploring, sex can get better and better well into your senior years, especially if you’re already comfortable with your partner. Learn what feels pleasurable and ask for what you want.
When you remove expectations around what sex should be, you can transform it into whatever you’d like it to be. “Sex” doesn’t have to be synonymous with “intercourse.” Whatever the form, good-enough sex is based on pleasure, not performance.
“When pleasure is the goal of a sexual encounter, performance anxiety tends to decrease — and the possibility of playfulness increases,” Dillon said. “Try approaching intimacy with the mindset of ‘Am I enjoying this right now?’ rather than ‘How am I doing?’ As long as both of you are enjoying the experience, you’re having good-enough sex.”
So the next time you worry that your sex life has gotten stale or just doesn’t live up to the early days of your relationship, stop focusing on what sex isn’t and start thinking about what it can be: good enough. That will make it great.
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